


Ruined

by Hekwos



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Bondage, Dark, M/M, Master/Slave, Oral Sex, Sad, Sadism, really really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 09:31:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17557814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hekwos/pseuds/Hekwos
Summary: Instead of a summary, a sample. If this is too disturbing for you, read no further:Everything hurt. I huddled naked in the corner of the room, the clothing that had been tossed at me clutched close in the middle of the small ball that I had folded myself into, trying desperately to disappear. What I had always feared had finally come to pass, leaving me lost in a nightmare that had overtaken my life, crushing what little good remained.My tears were long dried, along with the semen and blood, and my sore eyes stared at the man kneeling down a foot away. I only wanted to vanish. I didn't want him to see me, filthy and ruined.“You didn't obey me, Toshiro. I said to do whatever he told you.”I whimpered, hopeless and so cold. All that I had endured, for nothing. He wasn't ever going to forgive me. I could hear it, the pathetic crack as my heart broke.





	Ruined

The door creaked, heavy, wooden thing, stained and cracking with age. Two voices I heard but words I ignored as the solid lock was turned to snick into place. There were swirl patterns in the ceiling. They should be faint, white on white, but years of below average care called shadows of dust and smoke into the texture, making it easy for my eyes to follow. I had found that if I did this very, very slowly, an inch for every hundred or so breaths, my mind could stay idle. By the time I finished tracing all the patterns I could see without turning my head, I would be exhausted enough to sleep.

One voice was familiar, the owner of this place, his name not recalled, like this place forgotten, unimportant. One voice was never before heard, male, not particularly deep nor high, uninteresting. Distractions were neither welcome nor unwelcome, just a change that my mind would not fail to note unless I forced the issue, which I would not bother to do.

“Only one in this room, and with a private bath.”

“For his own protection. He won't defend himself.”

Footsteps, closer, nothing new.

“My God, he’s beautiful. You should have shown him to me first, saved me a lot of time.”

 

“ _You are so beautiful, Shiro-chan.”_

_I scoffed, not looking up from my phone. No one called or texted me. I wasn't actually doing anything, just typing random words to seem busy so the older boy wouldn't talk to me. It wasn't working. I'd tried not to end up alone with him, but failed at that, too, stuck while Momo 'freshened up' for her date._

“ _You don't believe me?”_

“ _No. Why are you buttering me up, anyway? Momo does what she wants, as proven by the fact that you are here again even though I've warned her to stay the hell away from you.”_

_Long legs uncrossed, and I braced to move away, but the boy, young man really, only leaned forward, elbows on his knees on the edge of my friend's bed. My instincts told me to be terrified, and I listened. It was like being trapped in a cage with a tiger, trying to seem calm knowing your death was watching you for signs of fear, and yet drawn, wanting to touch the dangerous predator. I shivered._

“ _Surely, you know. I only come here to see you. You_ are _beautiful, not to mention smart, brave, a good friend. Why don't you come here, let me show you just how lovely you are?”_

 

“Beautiful? Yeah, I’ll grant you that. Broken, though, seriously fucked up in the head. Hasn’t spoken a word, doesn’t react to anything. Eats, drinks, shits, lies down and doesn’t even argue about the restraints. That's why we gotta lock him up. Anyone could do anything to him, and pets can be rather nasty to each other. Lock a bunch of rats in a cage and sooner or later they start eating each other, you know.”

“Follows instructions?”

“To the letter, but like he's sleepwalking. Easy to manage, at least.”

“How long has he been here?”

“Goin’ on six weeks. Tell you what, twenty percent off if you want him. Otherwise, gonna have to send him down next week. He won’t fetch as much on the flesh market, but there’s some that don’t care as long as there’s a warm hole. A waste, but soon he’s gonna start costing more than I paid.”

“Has he been through a lot of owners, then? That why he’s like this?”

“Previous master said he was the only one.”

 

“ _You’re mine, sweetheart. I love you more than anyone else ever could. Never let anyone touch you, Shiro. Promise me.”_

“ _You love me?”_

_Strong arms pulled me into a warm embrace, small body completely wrapped, trapped, and I burrowed my face closer into the space between broad chest and hard bicep, feeling the power that could crush me at any moment . . . feeling safe._

“ _More than anything.”_

“ _Then, I promise.”_

 

“Don’t know if it’s true, I don’t question. He still had a little life in him the first few hours or so, thought I’d made a good deal. He'd have been worth a fortune.”

“And since then, he’s just been unresponsive?”

“Ever since he figured out his master wasn’t coming back.”

 

“ _That’s it, let it all out now.”_

_I twisted my face free of suffocating and tear-soaked cloth, wailing like the heartbroken child I was._

“ _It’s alright, Toshiro. I know it hurts, but you know she was sick and in pain. She’s at peace now.”_

_It didn’t help, the empty platitudes I heard from everyone each time I lost someone. Gone. My entire family. But it did help to cry after holding myself stiff and cold for days. I would never let anyone else see my tears, no one but my lover. And now, I would lose Sosuke, too. I was barely 14. The state wouldn’t care what I wanted. I would be taken away and forced to live somewhere else, with strangers, losing the only person I had left._

“ _How about I become your family, sweetheart? I can adopt you, you know. We’ll never have to be apart again.”_

_Hiccuping pitifully through snot and sobs, I turned in the warm lap to look up into kind brown eyes._

“ _You mean it? I can stay with you?”_

“ _Forever, my Shiro. I’ll be with you forever. I swear it.”_

 

“Skinny. Has he been healthy? Tested?”

“Perfectly healthy, got all the paperwork. He eats when told but tell him to exercise and it’s all slow motion, ain't doin' any good. Take a look, that was taken the day he came in. Sorry to say all the muscle is wastin’ away.”

“Jesus. I can see why you set a high price. Not that’s he’s worth it now.”

“That’s why I said there's a discount. You interested or not?”

“Interested? Yes. Convinced?”

Touching. I waited a few seconds to blink, unquestioned instinct to not react directly to touch, not give them any hope that they could affect me. The stranger leaned forward, blocking my view of the ceiling. I would have to start over. The hand on the front of my left shoulder departed, came back and held my chin, turning it. Examined again, livestock. I had lost count of how many had come and gone. Strawberry blonde hair, more orange than red. Brown eyes. I didn’t like them.

“Did he come with a name?”

“Toshiro. Just that, no identification or last name. Like I said, I don’t ask, don’t wanna know.”

The smile was more of a sneer, a quickly vanishing flash of hatred making the brown eyes more real. The voice was almost amused.

“Nice to meet you, Toshiro. I hope we can get to know each other.”

 

“ _Come here, Shiro! I want you to meet my friends. Try to be nice, they’re seniors.”_

“ _Don’t call me that! Why are you friends with seniors, Momo? And guys, no less. They’re probably perverts.”_

_There were three of them, loitering under the awning of the coffee shop. I dug in my heels when Momo tried to pull me closer. I didn’t want anything to do with them, and neither should she._

“ _Stop acting like a spaz for just one second. I really like one of them, like_ **like** _like.”_

“ _Gross. They’re too old for you. And I don’t care anyway, I don’t want to meet them.”_

“ _Awww! Ain’t he just the cutest thing?”_

_My mouth snapped shut, frowning and glaring at the tall, willowy guy with hair almost as pale as mine. The smirking scarecrow nudged the black man with elaborately braided hair, who just sniffed and didn’t bother to look at me. That suited me just fine._

“ _This is my best friend Toshiro! He lives right across the street. He’s only 12 but already a sophomore because he’s a genius. We’ve known each other forever.”_

_As if seniors cared about my life. Or hers, unless they just wanted to screw a freshman. I had seen these three in the halls, popular, especially the suave one that turned to look at me. Devastatingly handsome, charming, eyes that seemed to capture your soul . . . yes, I’d noticed Sosuke just like everyone else had. The kind smile and eyes that didn’t show any mockery were a bit of a surprise, and so was the large, warm hand that took my own while I was too frozen to pull back, clasping it, enveloping it completely._

“ _Nice to meet you, Toshiro. I hope we can be friends.”_

 

The hand left my chin, my head staying in place with eyes focused on nothing in particular. The stranger was fairly young, I noticed absently, mind cataloging details without my direction. The fingers trailing various parts of my skin were rough, callused, his eyes following his own movements. After a few touches I realized he was examining scars.

“Looks like he’s had a little rough treatment, but no serious marks.”

“Well, about that.”

The other man, the seller, moved and I felt one loose chain being removed from the ring on the leather cuff of my left wrist. The stranger stepped back, and the portly man filled my vision for a second as he walked down the length of the bed. My nose twitched at the scent of him, sour and greasy, waft of foul breath. At least the stranger smelled clean, barest hint of tasteful cologne, something understated, almost herbal.

Ankle freed, and I knew what would be demanded but did not offer to move until hands pushed my hip. There was a pattern to all this, though I did not bother asking my brain how many buyers had come and gone. I rolled over not quite all the way, but enough.

“That’s a damned shame. No wonder you haven’t sold him.”

“Tattoo removal’s pretty good these days. Least it ain’t a brand.”

 

“ _You want me to love you again, don’t you, Toshiro?”_

_I flinched. My defiance was two months ago; I had only tried to go see Momo before we moved away. She hadn't spoken to me since she found out about me and Sosuke, not even at grandma's funeral. I wanted to tell her Sosuke had adopted me and we were moving far away, to not leave in anger, not have our last words be ones of hate and blame. I wasn’t going to run away, why would I? But Sosuke didn’t believe me. Ever since that day, my lover, now my guardian, had been angry. And I had been extra good, bottling up my sadness about leaving home, ignoring the misgivings I had about the lack of any paperwork or meetings with social workers, stopping my usual backtalk, but it didn’t make any difference. Maybe this would._

“ _Yes, Sosuke. I love you.”_

_Extra good, extra respectful._

“ _Then take off your clothes and hop on the table. I’ll be back to get you when it’s done.”_

_I wouldn’t cry, not in front of the blue-haired man staring and grinning at me while I scowled and glared back, but my hand tightened in Sosuke’s. I didn't like the look in those cruel blue eyes._

“ _Stay with me, please.”_

_My lover crouched down, an action that never failed to make me feel how small I was compared to almost everyone. Brown eyes that had been hard and hateful looked kind again, and I stopped breathing as Sosuke pulled me close and held me gently for the first time since that day, big hand stroking through my hair. Oh, we’d had sex and other things, but not once had I felt my lover’s affection, my lover's protection, and I missed it so much that it hurt. I melted into his embrace. It felt like home, like forgiveness._

“ _Stay here and do whatever Grimmjow tells you. Do this for me, Shiro, and all will be right again. You’ll be mine again.”_

 

The stranger’s fingers, softer, narrower, gentler than the fat man's, glided over the patch of skin between the top of my buttocks and the small of my back like they were exploring another scar, my worst scar. I stared listlessly at the plain wall, the locked door at the bottom of my vision. I thought of nothing, memories and reality blended like colors into the same bland gray as the wall.

“It’s stretched. Done when he was a lot smaller.”

“Least it’s just initials. Fancy, though. Guy was probably afraid to put his whole name there, 'specially if he was just a kid. You never know what could happen in the future.”

I knew from the change in temperature, the sound of breath that the stranger had leaned close. The voice wasn’t as featureless, whispering with a note of something, concern, compassion, pity. It didn't matter. Once, it would have. It would have made me very angry.

“Got his claws into you young, didn’t he?”

Did I wince? No, such a devastating blow barely caused a flutter of eyelashes. Did he see it?

 

“ _Why the hell would I want to hang out with them again?”_

“ _Then don’t! I don't want you to come anyway, you'll just mope in the corner and tell me what not to do. I just promised Sosuke I’d ask since it's your birthday and you're just sitting here. He probably feels sorry for you.”_

_I bristled. All my life, people had looked down on me. Literally and figuratively. Strange looking little freak, and it didn't help to be 13 with classmates who were years older, the genius no one wanted to talk to._

“ _You can tell that bastard to go fuck himself.”_

“ _Shiro!”_

“ _Don't go, Momo. Stay away from him, and his friends. They're no good, Momo, listen to me!”_

“ _Stop saying such things! You're just jealous. I'm in love with him, and Sosuke loves me, I know it.”_

_She was leaving. She would be alone with them. The silly fool thought she was in love; the bastard could do anything he wanted to her. And it would be my fault if I didn't try to protect her. Someone had to look out for her, stop that bastard from ruining her life._

“ _Wait! Fine. Fine, I'll go.”_

 

It was the stranger's hand, clean and lingering on my skin, that pulled my hip. I rolled to my back again, eyes finding the center of a spiral and beginning to slowly trace it outward while greasy hands moved my leg, clipped the chain, moved my arm, clipped the chain.

“Well? There's still the younger ones I told you about. One of 'em might be just right, partly trained, good lookin', not as exotic as this one, mind you, but fair enough and quiet.”

“You haven't let anyone fuck him in the six weeks, have you?”

“This one? Course not. Pets are worth more than whores.”

“Tch. You already admitted he isn't going to fetch a pet's price, and barely the price of a whore.”

 

_The buzz of the machine fell quiet again, my cue to breathe easy for a minute. It had been at least two hours, maybe longer. I grabbed another drink of water while I could, feeling the wet wiping on my back. The tattooist had tried to talk to me, then turned on loud, aggressive music when I wouldn't answer. I had yelled at the man to stop when gloved hands drifted to bare buttock or up my spine, until the asshole reminded me that Sosuke had said to do whatever I was told. So, I just gritted my teeth and let the pervert touch me between long sessions of causing me pain._

_This was punishment, the tattoo itself, making me strip for it, letting the stranger touch me. Sosuke had punished me before, a slap, a rough round of sex, but never anything like this. Never. I would pay the price. It would be worth it if Sosuke would just treat me the way he used to. My lover was all I had. But maybe punishment was over, the wiping stopped and then fingers were spreading something sticky on my sore skin. I looked back, seeing the blue eyes intensely focused._

“ _Is it done?”_

“ _Stop moving, kitten, or I'll spank that luscious bottom raw.”_

_Sick bastard. I growled but didn't dare do anything more, turning back to stare at the wall as the gloves peeled away, a crinkly, plastic rectangle laid over his skin and taped down. The rough hands made me wince and hiss, though I had managed to stay mostly stoic through the needling of my flesh. Then there was a smack, not really hard but it made me yelp and try to turn on the table to scramble away from the man. The big hands were already on me, one pushing down hard above the raw skin, the other harshly grabbing my hip._

“ _Finally, been staring at that ass for hours. Time to collect my fee.”_

_The fear that had been gnawing away at the back of my mind sank its teeth in. I had known. I had tried to keep Sosuke here. He would be furious. He would never forgive me for breaking my promise. He would leave me._

“ _No! No, you can't touch me! No one can touch me!”_

_I was too small, already on my belly on a table, already bare as the weight of the blue-haired man came down on my back, making me scream in pain and terror that was going to get so much worse. Ruined. I was going to be ruined._

“ _Shut it, kitten. Or don't. I was kinda disappointed you didn't cry when I inked you. You'll cry for me now.”_

“ _No! Sosuke! Sosuke! No, you can't . . . you can't!”_

“ _Calling him? He's the one that offered you as payment. Be proud. I'm the best artist in the city, which makes you one expensive whore.”_

_Loud, cruel laughter. Loud, violent music._

 

“Half price. And I'll have a half hour alone with him before you get a penny.”

“I'm gonna do you a favor and overlook that cause you're new and Urahara vouched for you. You're in my house, boy, and there are twenty men here who know how to slit a throat and dump a body. They got plenty of practice. But I'm a business man. Twenty percent like I said, up front, and you can have ten minutes. I get why you want to try him, so I'll even give you half back if you don't like what you get. Bruise him, cut him, tear him and it's full price, then you leave without him or you don't leave at all.”

Silence. The shadow interfered but did not make me lose my place on the spiral of plaster. He was looking down at me, the stranger, debating, perhaps, the worth of the whore tied to the narrow bed. The shadow withdrew. Paper money makes a distinctive sound, the fabric surfaces scraping one against the other reminiscent of the striking of a match when bills are whisked one after another to count. The familiar sound repeated many times.

“Enjoy your time, young sir.”

Laughter and heavy footsteps. The grating of metal key in old lock, and the door squeaked before the clanking sound repeated. I blinked a second after the bed sank on the left side, eyes tiredly refocusing. Not too long now, I'd be able to sleep. They would make me eat first, food of ashes and rot, like the world. There were fingers in my hair, stroking back from my forehead, the stranger's shadow again breaking my idle concentration. There were fingers in my hair, stroking down from navel and slipping past my flaccid penis to trace the crease of my thigh.

“I have an unusual hair color, too, did you notice? Mine is natural as well, though not nearly as attractive as this. And so soft. How ever do you manage that?”

 

“ _Stop. Nnng! Stop, please, I don't . . . ah!”_

“ _Don't say you don't want this, Shiro-chan. Don't say you don't want me. You aren't a liar.”_

_I leaned against the arm holding me, wrapped around my chest, pinning my upper arms and pulling me back onto the broad warmth behind me. My hands struggled uselessly to push the other arm away. A wide palm rubbed at the front of my jeans, long fingers writhing between my thighs, and there wasn't anything I could do about it._

“ _Let me go, bastard. I'll scream.”_

_This couldn't be happening. Sosuke was chasing my friend, flirting with her. He wasn't interested in me, so why was he always teasing, touching? Why had he pushed me into this dark room and pulled me into his lap? Why did it not just feel good because I was being touched, but because it was him touching me?_

“ _Go ahead, sweetheart. Deny yourself, deny that you dream about this, deny that we could be so very happy together.”_

_I bit my lip to keep from groaning as that hand pressed hard, then dragged upward. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run far away from this man. I wanted to know what that meant, 'we could be happy.' It was true, I dreamed about Sosuke. How could I not, when the man stole every chance to pet, to tease, to sneak a kiss to my neck when my guard was down. Always when Momo was around, when all I could do was glare. She was in the other room, with a crowd of upperclassmen dancing and drinking._

_And now, agile fingers undoing the button, pulling down the zipper, pushing cloth out of the way, and I was barely putting up a fight. So strong, his heat and his scent and the feel of him surrounding me, just like in the dreams that had me waking with a scream stuck in my throat and an ache in my gut._

“ _Oh, sweetheart, you are so perfect. And these, such pretty, silver hairs, so new and so wonderfully soft. I can't wait to taste them.”_

“ _Don't . . . don't say such things.”_

_Oh god, the vision of Sosuke looking up from between my legs! Not only did I not hate the thought, I could feel my cock throb at the imagined sensation of that wicked tongue sliding along my skin. How did this happen?_

“ _Why not, my Shiro? Unlike you, I'm honest about what I want. I want you. I want to kiss you, and spoil you, and suck you until you scream my name. I will convince you that you are the center of my world.”_

_That was a moan, an honest-to-god moan of pure lust coming out of me as the fingers stopped teasing and wrapped firmly around my small and very hard erection. There was nothing left to do but to throw my weight back against Sosuke's chest, grip the arm holding me up, and try not to faint._

 

“He said you were obedient. Look at me, Toshiro.”

Obedient. I turned my head, meeting his gaze. I could count eyelashes, perhaps, to keep my mind diverted from what was about to happen until my body took over, letting my mind shut down. His lashes were pale gold, lowlights of red, hard to differentiate. They came closer and got closer together in a slight squint. The hand on my head stilled. The one below did not, casually stroking, then cradling my scrotum, massaging.

“Natural, too. Remarkable color. A variant of albinism, I assume. Black lashes, though, couldn't ask for a better contrast. Excellent bone structure. You could have been carved by Michelangelo.”

The stranger's lips were dry and warm, forcing my eyes to close as he kissed each eyelid, a slow, gentle press. Then, a string of words that soaked into my mind to think of later, if they ever became relevant. More kisses on cheeks and jaw as he spoke.

“I am not looking for a lover, or something to abuse, only a bedmate that makes not one demand. I will not pretend I will keep you forever, or that you will be the only one in my bed. I will not promise any kind of happiness. And I will never tell you I love you.”

 

_Everything hurt. The floor was cold and needed swept. The aural assault of pounding drums, screeching guitars, and shouting men had been muted. I huddled naked in the corner of the room, the clothing that had been tossed at me clutched close in the middle of the small ball that I had folded myself into, trying desperately to disappear. What I had always feared had finally come to pass, leaving me lost in a nightmare that had overtaken my life, crushing what little good remained._

_My tears were long dried, along with the semen and blood, and my sore eyes stared at the man kneeling down a foot away. I only wanted to vanish. I didn't want him to see me, filthy and ruined._

“ _You didn't obey me, Toshiro. I said to do whatever Grimm told you.”_

_I whimpered, hopeless and so cold. All that I had endured, for nothing. He wasn't ever going to forgive me. I could hear it, the pathetic crack as my heart broke._

_Without the distraction of hope, I realized the worst truth. Sosuke had left me with that man, alone with my cherished promise to never let another touch me and a command to do whatever that man told me to do. I could not have won; no matter what I did I would disobey._

“ _No matter. Come here, little love.”_

_I scrambled, only hearing 'love,' only feeling the familiar strength soothing all the pain as I was wrapped completely in Sosuke's arms. When I had stopped crying, stopped screaming on that table with the heavy weight pressing me down, pressing into me again and again, I had thought I would sob and wail if my lover ever came back for me. And as I stopped thrashing, stopped fighting to get free, the need to grieve grew distant. The pain carved out all feeling within me, knives and needles scraping, hollowing me out, leaving everything aching and empty and cold, so bitterly cold._

_But it was warm here, smothered in my master's embrace. There was nothing to fight here. No questions here._

“ _Did he show you? It is my initials he stamped into your lovely skin. Do you see? Now it does not matter who touches you, for they will all see that you are mine and know that it is by my will you allow their touch. It is perfect, sweetheart.”_

_I trembled as I closed my eyes, refusing to see the awful world. I was clever, once, before the emptiness. I knew what I was now, what I had allowed myself to become. I knew Sosuke was no longer my lover, but my master. I knew I had done this to myself, and now all promises were shattered, as broken as my soiled soul. I huddled closer, inviting the strong arms to tighten if they wished, to end this nightmare permanently with their strength. There was no need to think here._

“ _There now. All is forgiven. I love you now, more than ever.”_

 

“Come back, Toshiro. Come back from whatever darkness you are visiting. You are to look at me.”

My lips parted, but I managed not to gasp. Biology is inescapable, my body trained for years to react to certain triggers regardless of physical or emotional state. Thus, the tight coil of heat swirling through me in familiar curves and eddies, the swelling in his palm as it softly stroked. Obedient, I looked at him. Brown eyes scrutinized my face, lips in a slight frown that seemed the default.

He had forced a little of my awareness back from the spiraling gray of my mind, not a change I desired but one I did not care enough to fight. So many things perpetually blocked out, the hardness of the bed and the soreness of my inactive body, the stale smell like dirty water that clung to everything, preferable to the other, more potent scents that drifted in whenever the old wooden door opened, the still air that clung to my always bare skin. I did not like it here.

 

“ _I’ll never let you go. Stop thinking about her, Shiro. You’re only causing yourself pain.”_

“ _You’re the one causing me pain, Sosuke! She’s the only friend I have left, and I will go see her.”_

_After so long, unexpectedly, a letter from Momo full of contrition and longing to see me. My life was nothing but Sosuke. I barely left the house, only interacting with others when my master was there. It was sheer luck that I had been sitting out on the porch, a rare treat, when the mail was delivered. Improbable coincidence that it happened to be that day the letter arrived, envelope covered with forwarding stamps._

_I lived willingly under Sosuke's thumb. The spark of life that came with Momo's words was unexpected, throwing the nature of my existence into sharp light. How had it come to this? Where had I gone? From the moment I woke, I existed only to do as commanded, my will and my body no longer my own, but Sosuke's. 16 and my life was over._

_I tried to push past him. He was still much bigger than me. I yelped as my arm was nearly yanked out of socket, the breath knocked out of me as I was slammed into the wall. Crumpling to the floor, my hand went to my forehead, warm liquid trickling through my fingers and down to soak into the long sleeves worn even in summer to cover the bruises. Pain and dizziness, and a big hand yanking me back to my feet, more pain flaring in my shoulder squeezed by long fingers like claws digging under my bones._

“ _I am your only family. You will never see her again, understand? You are mine.”_

_Stumbling, half-dragged, and then the creaking of a heavy, wooden door. Horror and fear barely had time to take hold before I was falling, instinct making me roll in a ball with arms up to protect my head. The rough wooden stairs bordered a stone wall, led to a stone floor musty and covered with dirt. I would lie there, gasping in the stale air tinged with the scent of blood, not even bothering to call out or cry, knowing no one would answer. I stopped thinking, letting the cold steal over me until I was numb enough to crawl back up the stairs and find the door locked._

_Only one last bit of light remained, the gratitude that it was my broken body lying in the gray room, slowly dying, and not Momo. Had I not been there to give the man a better target, had I not stayed close and ended up turning the monster's attention to me, had I not gleefully given myself to him, convinced I was loved, then it would be sweet, innocent Momo letting herself slide from despair to something much deeper and darker._

_Enough. I never wanted to think of myself again, disgusting, weak, dirty thing that should just die here. I wanted to die. I just wanted to die._

_It must have been more than a day. Except for my aching head and swollen, broken arm, it was my stomach keeping me from sleeping, hungry and so very thirsty. I had managed to curl up sideways on the top step and free my dick to piss over the step below, the smell of my own urine sharp against the fetid air. I couldn't even lift my head when the door opened. The soft murmured words of apology and love brushed over me without making any impact, limp body rolling into the strong arms that carried me to the bath as I whimpered, every shift reawakening the agony._

_Warm water brought me back to life, and I only mourned for a moment, no longer wishing to die because I simply could not care. I watched the big hands slowly dipping into the tub, finding and caressing each contusion almost reverently. I watched as I was cleaned and then stroked, and softly moaned at the intense pain that came with the pleasure and the release. My body reacted, but my mind was still there, quiet and frozen in the dark, stale gray behind the locked door._

 

My nearly silent moan made the man's attention snap back up from admiring his hand on my neck to searching my eyes again. I had not looked away. His eyes were not plain brown, but light, with the barest hints of gold and red, polished mahogany, or dark rooibos tea in sunlight. I did not wish to notice this, did not welcome the surge of relief that his eyes were not dark brown, the color of an old, locked wooden door and once beautiful leaves gone to rot.

The gentle stroking had done its work, leaking fluid, tightening grip, thumb swiping across sensitive head, very standard, very much by rote, very effective. He was close, leaning over me but not putting one ounce of weight on me. Breathing deepened, I could taste the air from his lungs as he spoke.

“Tell me, Toshiro, so that I may know if we are indeed compatible. Do you like being chained and exposed like this?”

I had long lost count of eyelashes. His nose was straight, not too pronounced, not wide, a little long to run the length of long cheeks, better to set off high cheekbones. Not a long, narrow face as he had described mine, but one almost oddly balanced.

“Do you like being shut-down like this? Is it comforting to you?”

Jaw starting square, ending at pointed chin instead. Nose trying to be aquiline, tilting up at the end instead. Those high cheekbones clear enough to be admired but widening toward the forehead taking away their impact. Brows fine but creased in the center. And lips a bit too thin, always turned down, countering the overall shape of his face. Beauty that is imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete, and more attractive for it.

“Do you wish to live without will? Do you require complete guidance or is there anything left of who you were before him?”

He saw it, the barest wince. It could have been brought on by the way the hand paused, letting fingers rub under the crown, finding frenulum and ridge and rubbing, flicking, rubbing. Something told me that he knew those words reached me. Somewhere, drifting in the currents of now and then that pulled me under with my consent to be drowned, I had a painful glimpse of who I was before. Proud and insecure, intelligent and inexperienced, lonely, vulnerable.

“Is hurting you required?”

 

_I was gasping, face-down on the floor, fingers digging into the tight weave of the once-fine rug that had left burns on my knees and elbows. It no longer occurred to me to try to get away, nor to cover my shame, nor to have any shame at all. This one was the meanest, the roughest, but at least he wasn't around often. My thoughts drifted, remembering how Sosuke had once made me promise no one would ever touch me but him. Making that promise had made me happy. Once, I had been happy._

_Words were spoken, my master's voice and that of my master's friend, the man I had been loaned to and told to please. I knew I failed. I always failed. No matter how I tried to face it, my mind fled every time, and that angered this one, Gin, more than any of the others. And Gin would whisper viciously in my ear that I was ruined, that I would have made a much finer pet if the little boy had only chosen the right man back then. Those words broke through the quiet, and I hated them, hated being reminded._

_I was grown now, an unwelcome development. None of them liked my body as well as when I was so small. Gin would complain about changes I could not control. He would complain if I hesitated to comply with his every demand. He would complain about my cooperation as my grown body reacted in trained lust. I could not win. No matter what I did, I would fail. And my master would punish me._

_My flinch when the large hand settled on my back, too still to be a gesture of comfort, would that anger my master or please him? I did not know, and I could barely care, barely notice the pain of it when that hand pushed on the long cut across my back. Gin always said he thought blood made my plain looks more bearable._

“ _Sweetheart, time to get up and clean this mess. It is the least you can do, don't you think? All I asked was that you make my friend's visit pleasant. But that was too difficult for you, it seems.”_

_I would have tried to rise and obey, but for the threatening press of that hand._

“ _Master, I . . .”_

_I tried? I don't like this? I hate myself and that man? I hate you?_

“ _. . . I love you.”_

“ _Do you, Shiro? I take care of you. If you loved me, would you not seek to care for me and my wishes? Or maybe this is what you want, since you keep disappointing me.”_

_I couldn't help but cry out before breath was taken by the weight pressing down, the hand between my shoulders crushing me to the rug. Another hand smacked my bruised backside repeatedly, my legs scrambling to get under me in the autonomous effort to flee from pain, but only succeeding in raising my ass to receive worse blows followed by fingers shoving inside, renewing the agony from being taken unprepared and rough, the new pain sickeningly relieved a little by the fluids left inside me._

_Again, I stopped struggling. There was no point, vision dimming and lungs screaming since my throat could not. I stared at the twined threads magnified to rule my sight. The fabric of the rug had that tacky quality of an expensive silk blend that hadn't been properly tended in years, bright colors coated with sticky black. Once so soft and beautiful, now ruined by neglect and soiled beyond recognition, any value destroyed._

“ _You know, sweetheart, I'm starting to think you like pain.”_

 

“Do you like pain?”

“Noooo . . .”

No, no, not again. I could not face the world again. I turned my head, seeking the dirty white curves, seeking the gray that obscured the appalling brutality of the world and my shredded, tacky black soul.

Fingers again clasping my chin, turning my head, desire to resist not strong enough to counter apathy and so my lips were brought to his. Only that, skin on skin, breath exchanged for breath, and I could only close my eyes to try to retreat. The building tension of pleasure did not interfere, only helped me to distance myself, familiar and so often accompanied by things I wished to escape.

“No, Toshiro, stay. Look at me.”

 

_Cherry blossoms. I writhed underneath my master, muscles cramping with the effort to keep from cumming before he did and thought of cherry blossoms. A locked door and windowless room were no longer required, hadn't been for years, and this time my new room had a window that let in the delicate scent from the trees lining the neighbor's fence-line._

_My master pulled back, all the way out, and I whined, knowing what was coming, feeling large hands bruising my hips. It was a strange, mournful sort of scream, delightful bliss from the sudden force slamming into me, punishing my prostate and making me convulse. My master didn't stop me from falling onto an elbow so that I could reach down, squeezing the base of my cock viciously to hold back the orgasm. I could let go when my master came, the reflexive tightening of my channel would provide greater pleasure for my master then._

_Next, my hair would be savagely pulled, or my back would be gently stroked, or I would be flipped over so my master could watch me fight my own body. Instead, the man pulled out completely, shoving me to the side so I fell with an ungraceful thump, and cold, brown eyes stared down at me as Sosuke jerked his own messy erection. Mild surprise at the change, then the splattering of hot cum on my face and neck, in my hair, making me shut my eyes._

“ _Look at you, worthless slut. You're fucking dead inside, aren't you?”_

_Dead inside. Worthless. Slut. 'I love you now, more than ever.' Worthless. I panted, swallowing the drops that had landed on open lips, waiting for some clue of what was wanted in the face of this new behavior. The scent of semen and sweat was overwhelming, common. The scent of cherry blossoms was faint with the window closed, an effort to keep my screams from disturbing the neighbors._

“ _I asked you a question. Look at me!”_

_Obedient, I opened my eyes, taking in the rage on my master's face and not really caring that I had no answer. Maybe I would be choked again. Or beaten. Or maybe this time my master would kill me. Maybe he would do it by holding me tight and tighter, wrapped completely in his arms._

_I watched as the man who controlled my every waking moment and every nightmare gave me one look filled with loathing, turned his back on me, and left. I waited, eventually able to breathe calmly, eventually able to release the grip on my aroused flesh without cumming, eventually able to get up and open the window to cool my filthy skin with a spring breeze redolent of fresh cut grass and cherry blossoms._

 

I did not have to obey. He had woken me against my will, and I had just enough of myself to defy a stranger who did not seem inclined to force. I did not have to obey this man. That made it so much worse when I opened my eyes, and I dreaded that it would be the first surrender of many, another dark road I would willingly walk because I had not the strength to seek out an alternative path.

Another moan, this one more audible, more obvious with his lips there to catch it. Tiny movements, uncontrollable, abdomen to thighs tightening, loosening, little flexes in time with the quick strokes. It would end soon, and maybe he would leave and let me sleep; tiredness would amplify into exhaustion in the wake of orgasm. Then his hand stopped. I was not surprised. Nothing was ever about my own pleasure, and now I would find out what he wanted from me.

“No pain, then. That's good. I don't like pain much, either.”

Seconds after the slight upward curve at the edges of his lips, seconds after the strange, playful lick at my own lips, I blinked. His face was already gone, lowering again. For the first time, I pulled on the restraints. Reflex, not truly an attempt at anything, just startled brain calling on muscles to tighten and defend. It had been a long time, but my body remembered that this felt good enough to sell my freedom for it bit by bit until I was too completely owned for anyone to think of doing such a thing for me.

And oh, the lovely searing heat of it, warm and wet and wrapping around the head of my erection with no delay, tongue swirling, swiping, and then a firm suck before it was released to bob cold and hard. Waiting for something awful to happen was never easy when I was awake. Resigned to it, used to it, still a human animal avoids pain when it can, lashes out like any newborn, frail creature when under attack. I had never learned to enjoy pain, never learned to crave it, though I knew that was intended for me. Instead, I shut it out.

Pain did not come. The stranger only paused to lick his lips and swallow the dribbling fluid he had sucked off. The hand that had been stroking me settled warm around my testicles, the hand that had once turned me to look at him slid up my body languidly, fingers spread. The rest of him moved, up slightly to slide off the bed, twisting to kneel on the dusty floor.

They all must start this way, my unfortunately active mind mused, still detached enough to analyze instead of panicking. They must all start by pleasing, making their target feel like they would do anything to provide bliss. Down on his knees on the hard, unclean floor and soiling his mouth with my greedy dick. I looked to the ceiling and tried to believe this was just another nightmare. It would pass soon enough, reality or memory or otherwise, pass into the drifting gray.

 

“ _Let go of me! No, dammit, I said no!”_

“ _This again, Shiro-chan? You said you would be more honest.”_

_I hissed in anger and exasperation. The pervert was always touching me now, ever since I gave in._

“ _Momo is asleep in the next room, you idiot.”_

“ _Ah, so this isn't a rejection of me, just an objection to the setting.”_

_At least the fingers rubbing my crotch had paused, though the hand pinning me to Sosuke's chest didn't loosen. Yet again, I had been pulled onto the man's lap, but this time facing him, straddling his crossed legs, blushing madly and squirming to get free._

“ _Right. So, knock it the hell off.”_

“ _No, I don't think so.”_

_My pants were being undone. Even while I pushed against the broad chest and smacked at that invasive hand, I didn't really want it to stop. Even though my friend who was in love with the man now reaching into my jeans was sure to hear me if this kept up, I was already starting to throb. Dammit, I wanted it. Three times now that big hand had reduced me to a puddle of ecstasy, and I was already addicted._

“ _You'll just have to keep your voice down, sweetheart.”_

_A sudden rush of movement and I had fallen onto my back, head on the soft pillow, with Sosuke crouched above me. Fear paralyzed me, despite my mind screaming to bite and kick and flee. I knew what this man really wanted to do to me, but I never believed it would happen. Now I would be raped in my own bed, no choice but to hold back my screams or Momo would wake and come running._

“ _I would suggest biting on the pillow.”_

_It was meant to be a scream, but only a harsh breath came out. The dark eyes and dark head dropped, the large body sliding down the bed, and then the most wonderful scorching heat had me arching high off the bed. Expectation of torment, reality of bliss, my brain shut down completely and my hands flew down to grasp brown locks. Moments later I took the suggestion, finding the pillow most effective at muffling the delighted screams._

 

The stimulation nearly became too much, slick, gliding friction of a type I was no longer used to, too gentle, too wet, tongue working at flat massaging of just the right areas. His wandering hand left the nipple it had been caressing to slide back down and still my hips. My voice was feeble with lack of use and lack of desire to speak; I could feel it warming up with the frequency of sighs and moans, even a little yelp when he got ambitious.

The stranger was enthusiastic. Pushing himself lower on my cock, he started to choke. He probably was aware how that feels, the softest part of your hardness squeezed tight in muscles that suddenly spasm and spit and god it's glorious torment. It was the first time I had been the one experiencing the pleasure of it, but memories were right there alongside the present, seeking to supplant what was truly happening with the feel of a cock shoving too far, too fast, my hair held to prevent escape while I cried and struggled and tried to plead with my eyes. I did not know then that the tears and begging, the obvious hurt and disgust were what was wanted, and giving it made the treatment worse.

They must all start this way, trying to make their target feel special. The stranger need not waste the effort, I was already broken, ruined beyond repair. There was no choice, anyway, my body taking the physical pleasure as its due, my mind sharpening it with unwelcome recognition of the fact that this stranger had never attempted to deep-throat anyone, may have never sucked a cock at all. And there he was, on his knees on the unforgiving floor, and if he had not commanded my stillness with a touch I would make him choke again, and again. Too aware, my eyes drifted from the ceiling, finding the blazing beacon of bright orange bobbing between my spread legs.

Sad and neglected, the lock screeched a protest as it was turned, the heavy door squeaked an answer. I watched, the stranger not stopping, not missing a beat as the hand that had explored my thighs, rolled my balls, stroked my perineum, raised to the air, palm flat, tea eyes flicking up not at me but toward the door. The other hand reached for my face, canted down to watch, and stroked my cheek. Tacit permission, the sideways glance and harsh suck confirming it, and I let go.

Tension released with a sickening give like the breaking of the ice underfoot, plunging me back into gray waters so cold that skin and bone burned. Disobedient, my pelvis flexed, barely stopped from thrusting by the last shred of control. Groaning between clenched teeth was not good enough, I let my head fall back with a low howl to welcome the return of euphoria, to mourn the new fall into darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> I leave it up to you, dear reader - should I continue? I can't say for sure if it would have a happy ending, or as happy as it can be with such a terrible beginning, but there would certainly be more pain and suffering. 
> 
> I'm not setting a "I must get x number of comments," but if enough people are interested, we'll see where this tragedy goes. If not, at least that dark nightmare is out of my system.


End file.
